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Izzy. the smizzy

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[16 Dec 2010|08:22pm]
 Dear Friend:

I miss you more than I can bear. It feels like I have heartburn from eating too much spice…all the time…but I know it’s just heart ache from missing you. You may be miles away and the possibility of being together, parallel universes and light years apart…but I can’t stop thinking about you, about the times we spent together. Our alone time together was brief but perhaps it’s better that way; I remember every detail about the moments we spent together…remember verbatim the jokes you told me, the stories, everything. And I can’t help replaying these memories…on the bus, in class, while I’m supposed to be studying.

We live in lands apart and that’s the problem with distance…works and responsibilities bring you into different worlds that just seem to be detours on the way to real life. But I must admit, I’d leave everything behind to be with you if you cared more…and perhaps if in this day and age, it wouldn’t be ridiculous and foolhardy. To be honest, I don’t know why I’m still so stuck in May. Thinking about you has been so much wasted time…so distracting for my life & work when they are the most important. And besides, it’s been months since we had a real conversation. I should be mad at you but I can’t help but think how well we click, how perfect I think you are for me. It’s funny though because I never believed in soul mates. Now my heart aches because we would have been amazing together. But really, I should be so mad at you. Mad for telling me you liked me…it would have never occurred to me to be something other than friends if you hadn’t. Mad for telling me when there was nothing either of us could really do about it. Mad for leading me on…when were you going to tell me that you got back with your ex-girlfriend? Mad for telling me you liked me. Mad because you are getting in the way of me leading my life…you are so much wasted time.

We are just friends now…and I hate that we are still friends, that you still talk to me, though always briefly. I think it keeps me hoping that someday we might be together…but even if that impossibility occurs, a relationship with you will be fraught with its own thorns (hello ex-girlfriends!...why do you have so goddam many?). But I hate the idea of losing you as a friend even more because let's face it, you are a very good one. So I am still friends with you, hoping and praying everyday that I think of you a little less every day. I know it will happen. I know one day, I will look at you as just a friend, really, sincerely, genuinely. But right now, I miss you and want you, and I can’t help thinking to myself…goddamit, we could be so sublimely happy together.

I miss you, I miss you. I miss you. And I am still stuck in May.


Dear Self:

It’s December now. Get over it and get on with life. You’ll find someone who seems perfect for you in every way. But now…it’s really time to focus on life.

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[26 Oct 2010|10:22pm]

I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain. But somehow, someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know! You know more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel.

Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

Much love.
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[22 Oct 2010|05:05pm]

This is how i feel.

When someone says i look pretty today or i look beautiful with that blouse, it makes me happy. It makes me glad & thankful that somebody appreciates how beautiful God created me.

P.S. Thats a new padini.

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[21 Sep 2010|09:04pm]

Am i wry? No.

There is a part of me that regrets going away. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss being home. But i knew this is the only way for me to get rid of him in me. I knew that somehow somwhere far away is a place for me to get myself together again. I know this sounds like im running away from my own fear, from hatred. But im not running away. Im just doing what it takes to get better. And If this is wht it takes for me to get rid of him, so that i can be better, happier, then be it. Later when i got back home, i wont even remember who or what he is. Because im back being myself.

And in the meantime, if glee can make me happy & feel lively, ill watch it a thousand times just to be happy & lively.

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[13 Sep 2010|07:09pm]

Reasons, Schmisons!

First time, it was ur family. Ok fine.
Second time, u kata u segan. Ok fine.
Third time? What else. U nak kata u hate, u benci, u malas? Ok fine.

Then just tell me the truth so that i dont put that much effort, that much hope on you.

You know, people like you are the reason to give up on love and putting hopes.

U make me happy & sad at the same time.
U make me love & hate at the same time.
U make me excited & scared at the same time.

I hate this feeling. I hate this. I hate you.

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[06 Sep 2010|05:43pm]

I feel...... I dont know. Happy. Proud. When a patient of a status acknowledge to other staffs that this Dr Izzati is so good, so gentle, so caring, so particular, scale to perfection, with great satisfaction, in front of me, all staffs, & colleagues. Blush all the way. But i dont mean to hidung kembang.. :P

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[05 Sep 2010|11:26am]

I still see you in my dreams. Usually your hands are delicately wrapped around my face. Slowly you kiss each eyelid as if they were so precious they might break but each dream like this is terrifying. They haunt me of a time when you thought I spun gold from light. Of those times when each love letter left on your pillow was more poetic than the last. It’s in reliving these memories that I realise that I can no longer remember a time before now that I have loved anyone more. I struggle to find the words to describe the cataclysmic and heart rendering moments we shared. Where beneath Tokyo lights you grasped my hands and warmed them and I just knew. I knew that every person in this world deserved a moment like this. A moment where you knew how to be truly loved without the whisper of a single word.

My love knows no boundaries and if you give me a chance I will continue to show you the most faithful of hearts.

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[04 Sep 2010|11:24pm]
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[31 Aug 2010|10:51pm]
The scars you cant see are the ones that hurts the most.

By now you've perfected that smile, for it hides your insecurities. It hides your anger and your sorrow, your sadness and your envy. A smile hides those tears you cry last night and that broken heart that refuses to heal. It hides your flaws and regrets. It hides your pain and your fears. Your hate and your jealousy. 

A smile hides who you really are.
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[26 Aug 2010|11:35pm]

I see you driving round town with the girl i love, and i'm like, FUCK YOU!
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough, and i'm like, FUCK YOU!
Fuck you! And fuck her too!
I said, if i was richer, i'd still be with ya. Ha, now ain't that some shit? 
And although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a... FUCK YOU!

Yeah i'm sorry, i can't afford a ferrari, but that don't mean i can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and i'm more atari, but the way you play your game ain't fair.

I pity the fool that falls in love with you. Oh shit she's a gold digger. 
Well, just thought you should know nigga. 
I've got some news for you, yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

Now i know, that i had to borrow, beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ass ain't cheap.

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me "this is one for your dad"
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh!
I still love you.

So when i see you around town again with the girl i love, FUCK YOU!
And when ill get richer, i wont be with ya. Ha, now ain't that some shit?
And although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a... FUCK YOU!

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[22 Aug 2010|04:36pm]
A Beautiful Story, by lelove.

I could have gone home early today but i didnt.

I didnt because the only thing i could think about was that i wanted to see you and the only instance whereby i could conceive this happening- where i might get a chance to see you- was if you decided to take the train home and we would happen to cross paths. So i stood in front of the train station tonight, waiting like some kind of fool. Fool because i didnt even know what i was waiting for. For you to come down the escalator? To see you? Would we even speak? I didn't even know if you were in the city today. I didnt know if you would even take the train if by some chance you were in the city. For all i knew you could have been at home or anywhere else for that matter. So i stood like a prize idiot, waiting there by myself. Not even knowing what i was waiting for.

Here is my confession, I’m Weak. So for maybe a minute or an hour or for however long it takes before my pride take over once again, i’m going to be okay with not being okay. And i’m going to say that i miss you and i’m going to admit that i stood in front of a train station for over an hour tonight just because all i wanted all day was a chance to see you.

Much love,
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[12 Aug 2010|07:27pm]

Its the worst feeling when ure in a bigger empty house than a small four walled empty room; dining by yourself, playing by yourself, sleeping by yourself.

Mana mama? Mana papa? Dah nak azan lagi 2 minit ni!

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[10 Aug 2010|03:18am]
The Notebook!

My dearest, I couldn't sleep last night because I knew that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore because I know that what we have was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, i'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what i'd hoped to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fighting!
Noah: Well thats what we do. We fight! You tell me when im being an arrogant son of a bitch,
and I tell you when you're being a pain the ass. Which u are 99% of the time.
Im not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have a 2 seconds rebound rate and you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So its not gonna be easy. Its gonna be really hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday.
But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you forever, you and me, everyday.
Noah: Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me,
30 years from now, 40 years from now? Whats it look like? If its with him, go!
Noah: GO! I lost you once, I think i can do it again. If i thought thats what you really wanted.

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[02 Aug 2010|02:54am]

The Rapture on Weekends at KL Live

I dont know you. But I like you.
I like the way you smile at me so shyly yet so flirtatious. How your smile is so soft it kisses my heart.
I like how your hair is wavy and drops into your eyes. How i wish i could pull your hair up and kiss you on the forehead.
I like your stance. That gorgeous nude hands folded on that rail, with your white tshirt and that sling bag above your shoulders.
I like how the green and blue lights were shone to you every 10 seconds and how you squint your eyes because it shines right in front of you.
I like the way you were holding that phone, texting it, looking at it everytime i had my eyes on you. Giving me more chances to just stare and tickle my own heart by just looking at how perfect you are. I wonder who she is that you're texting. I wish it was me.
And when u pull your head up to look at the stage, you look at me instead. And you gave me that look, that smile, that sexy eyes. It burns my heart with laughter and smiles. I couldnt imagine myself why you would be looking at me instead of that gorgeous lady up on the stage.

I like the way you look at me. That first real connection of when our eyes met. How they caught my eyes and really see through it. How I feel like I can see through you. I knew I havent seen you before. Or i would have fallen deeply madly inlove with you. It wasnt love at first sight, i might say. It was just like lust at first sight. But I remember that lovely eyes of yours looking at me. How your eyes told me that i was cute. How it speaks to me that you had wish we could stand closer. We would lay our eyes on each other, silently, secretly, playing and flirting. You looked so lovely behind this noisy temperfist.

I still remember that smile. I still remember that hair, that stance, those hands, the eyes. I still remember that look you gave me. I still remember you.

But i dont know you. Whats your name? Where are you now? I am still looking for you.

You were flawless flirting with those eyes and smile. How to forget you now?

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[18 Jul 2010|01:21pm]

Its not love that makes you do the unthinkable pathetic things. Its the broken heart that makes you go crazy doing the unthinkable.

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[18 Jul 2010|10:33am]

Other than letting go, what else can i do?

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[12 Jul 2010|05:43am]


2 years ago, watched the euro champs lift the trophy all by myself and then went up my room blogging about it. 2 years later, watched the world champs lift the trophy by myself again and then went up my room and start blogging about it again. IRONY really. If you know what i mean. Both champs have been my team for the past 10 years since i learn to watch football. What a charm this is. 
Thank you spain la roja!

Marvellous fireworks. I will be at the stadium of the finals of the next cup. You'll see.

Thank you once again for making my year a wonderful one. 
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[05 Jul 2010|11:51pm]

No one has ever hurt me like you have. Ever. And i hope no one ever does again. They say your first love is the hardest to get over. You were such a terrible boy for me but i clung onto you with such a tight grip, begging, and pleading, and breaking myself and my dignity down every time i tearfully sat in front of you, on your bed, kissing your face repeatedly and asking you just to stay, to give us another chance, to just try. But you never did. You looked at me with such pity and out of guilt you would agree to stick around when you knew you shouldn't have. You were cold and heartless, but i learned that the first time you left me. However, when you came back after a long, lonely summer to yourself, i erased all of the memories and reminders of how awful you had been only to replace them with the hope that you were different, that you would be different, and that you would love me differently. What's that saying? How could I forget? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Well you fooled me all right. You put on your beautifully deceitful mask and lured me back in to fill your emptiness, to take the place of everything you couldn't have when i was gone, and to make yourself better. You were always such a selfish asshole. I hope you grow out of that one day.

And so, naive and hopeful, i placed my hand in yours but more importantly, my newfound trust and my healing heart, right in the palm of your dirty hands. History repeated itself and i ended up your fool. I hate myself for that and if i could go back in time, i'd go right to the day where i received that text message from you. I remember exactly where i was. I was standing in front of my mirror, in my bedroom, putting my hair up, getting ready to go out when my phone vibrated against the dresser. Casually i glanced down expecting it to be my best friend, but your seven digit number appeared on my screen. It no longer had your name with the little heart next to it, it was just a plain old number since i deleted you from my phone, from existance. I would go right to that moment and instead of stopping my world and my progress for you, i would ignore it and continue on with my life. But what happened, happened and there is no use dwelling on it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Some people look at that as a cop out, as the easy way to feel sorry for yourself, but life teaches you lessons. And this was one of mine, i suppose. A painful, devestating lesson.

When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed...i just wanted you back. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd scramble for my phone and pour my heart out hoping you'd read my text and something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and sleep with you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two months later and i'd be back to texting you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. I would sleep with guys, lead them on, play with their heads...just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like i would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

It's been five months since you left me. It's been a month and a half since my last relapse over you. I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.

And now, now there is him. I just met him in the past week, through a friend, but he's the kind of boy that gives me hope. He's not just a guy who wants me for sex, or he has yet to show that anyway. He's kind and cute and funny and he's everything i look for in a guy. I don't know what it is, but he makes me feel like i'm in fourth grade with the biggest crush. My heart actually feels happy again and he makes me smile. I'm not in love with him, not even close. I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't know if we'll talk for another week, or months, or years. I don't know if we'll end up together in the future or if it's just a crush. I have no idea whatsoever. But this is what i do know. You're not on my mind nearly as much. I don't get that empty feeling when i think of you. I don't miss you all that much. The sad places that remind me of you, are slowly just becoming places. Your flaws are standing out more than your good traits. And i feel. I feel again. I feel like maybe, just maybe, i could love someone more than you. I'm not scared to live anymore, i'm not so scared to love.

That new boy, i don't know what will happen with us. I don't need to know right now though, because the fact that i'm feeling at all is beautiful for me. I don't need any sort of elaborate love story to save me, i just need hope.

And that boy, he's hope.

- K
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[17 Apr 2010|12:25pm]
We were my dream.
I saw you one of those days of foundation, when I was strolling out from class, and there you were. I chased you through half of the foundation year & we became inseparable. You were my only one. We made it through foundation in UM; through the moments the results were out, through seeing me going 500km away, through the changes in friends & life, through the distance for 5 years, through sickness and health, through fights and harmonies, we made it through it all.

We were different.
We fit together like God had carved us out of the same stone, only to find each other when the time was right. We fight, then we make up. Because we knew that we fit together. People knew. They could tell the depth of what we had. Even after years, we never grew tired of each other. It was like I looked at myself in the mirror & you were always by my side. I picked you up, cared for you, when your plans & life fell apart. You picked me up, cared for me, when i got sick & fell apart. We had each other. University happened. You gave up your father's offer for medical school in Indonesia, to stay close with me. To ensure that when i get back home, you were there, for me. 
Through the distance, we grew together.

and then we grew apart.
When you left me, my body broke. It wasn't just a heartbreak, it was almost 5 years together, gone. And then you found her. Two months after we broke up, you realized that you love her and wants her in your life. My world was broken. I wish I could say that I went into 'girl power' mode, but that didn't happen. I dropped appetite, I dropped clinics, I dropped studies, I dropped self-respect. You gained friends, you gained freedom, you gained her. Compare or contrast, I lost the battle either way.

Then I moved on.
I'm a storybook character. I deleted you from my phone, from my facebook, from my life. I thought i have moved on.

You found me.
In my dreams, in my nightmares, in my morning runs, you were there. You are embedded in my soul forever, the first love I ever felt. It rocked me. A storm had come, eroded away my being, and left me a ghost town of the past.

In time, she's still there. "I love you, but she makes me happy" is what you told me. You did exactly what I hoped you'd do. You confessed that you still loved me. I confessed I still loved you.
Stand still.

Now I'm coming back for good. I'll be home in a month. And it's never going to be the same. We're not going to be together. You've strung me along for too long. But she's still there.

I won't be second best. What you don't know is I have everything you ever wanted, and you took advantage of it, then dumped me for something that didn't and won't last.

I will always love you. I will always protect this name that i claimed to love. I will fold under your pressure. I will cry because we separate. But I will leave. I will stand strong and walk away. 

Have heart, my soul has mended. I will gain love. And i will give my love to one who deserves it. Not my true love, cause that was yours. And you gave it away. But, I will find happiness. I will be happy.

Love scares me. 

Why'd you have to make me fear such a beautiful thing?
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[26 Mar 2010|04:13pm]
I wanted to be the one who was different.

Is there a girl who's known you who has not fallen for you? You're the epitome of the word "heartbreaker." Everything about you draws me in, until finally i'm head-over-heels in love with you.

How many girls have been suffering along with me this past years? Laying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about you, wondering if whatever little moment they had shared with you that day really meant something. You've made pathetic fools out of all of us.

My little moments that I perceived as tenderness, as respect - when you told me you will never let go, when you tried to convince me to come with the words "I'll be there for u", when you really relied on me to help you with that thing, and when you called me smart & great - I remember every single one of them.

You're not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from you, the ultimate compliments. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make my heart hurt the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long.

But I was wrong. You don't truly respect me. I don't know if you ever truly respect me. Those apologies, every single thing i said to you, they all meant nothing to you. Like i was such a stranger, someone who means nothing to you. You dont even respect me enough to forgive me, to tell me that its gonna be okay, that im great enough to get through this. Those lies u told me, those convincing words you've given me, those moments of tenderness and love. If only you knew how much effort that apology took, how much effort i try everyday to obey ur wishes, how many months it took me to get to the place where I could smile again without you, maybe you would have at least acknowledged that I was pure, and i truly love.

Part of me wants to believe that you do love me, that you're only scared. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of you. Because I wanted you to want me and I know I was good enough for you. If you only knew what I have done in the face of my fear. I literally befriended an entirely new group of people for the sole purpose of growing closer to you. For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on you, because of all the things trying to put myself into your life brought into mine. You motivated me to become a better person in every way. But judging by the effort you've expended compared to the effort I expended, I don't even mean half as much to you as you do to me. Or you would try. You would overcome your fear like I overcame mine.

And yet I didn't give up on you because i know you're difficult. Your difficultness is one of the things I like best about you. It's just that I can't do much else. I can continue to try to conquer my fear, be your friend again, gain your respect. In the end, that's all I really wanted, because I respect you more than anyone, and if you don't respect me, what does that say about me? But at some point, you have to show me that you care about me too.

I wanted to be the one who was different. The one for whom it was more than just someone. The one you love. The one you cant live without. Instead, I'm the one who got my heart broken every day for the longest time. And in the end, I'm the same as everyone else. In the end, I didn't get you. Not even as friends. For five years we've known each other, and yet you can't even extend me the courtesy of being my friend.

I try to tell myself that it's your loss, and it is. But it's my loss too. I've never believed that I had nothing to lose, because even though I didn't have you, I truly believed I had our future together. I never wanted to lose that. But I think I have. And you have too.

I'm the only person who thinks it's hilarious how rude you are, because I know you don't mean it. I'm the only person who never, ever gets sick of you. It's not that I was willing to be a doormat and put up with your crap. It's that I loved all of you, even the parts everyone else hated, and I could see through them to what you really are. So I'm sorry I don't have the magical combination of qualities it takes to make a girl worth it to you. I hope when you find one who does, she accepts you as much as I do.

Until further notice, I'm here if you decide to shape up. But I'm done with living my life making you the number-one priority when you barely even consider me an option.
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